Girl on Girl Crime

The first of many self-criticisms....

I understand that the socialization of girls in our culture is responsible for women distrusting each other and judging each other harshly; thinly masking a competition for male attention.
I understand that this only benefits men. And that it doesn't really benefit men in any genuine way, but more on that later.
So, as a smart, educated, aware feminist, why is it that I still feel this almost physical response to "some" girls. Particularly girls that may or may not be interested in a guy that I may or may not be interested in? I could tell you ten things wrong with her... her outfit, her manners, her presentation.. but why is that something that I feel compelled to do?

There are a few pervasive and invasive ideas that have been socialized into me, and the women I know, to such a degree that they feel inherent. Being too fat, too ugly, too "something" is one. Feeling spiteful bitter wrath toward other females is another. I swear sometimes I'm two steps away from seeking counsel in Cosmo. The thought: "I'm way prettier than her" actually entered my head recently... and to be honest, came out of my mouth as well. A sentiment with which my bestest girls firmly and immediately agreed, therefore supporting both my temporary loss of female solidarity and my renewed love for these particular girls.

So, who and what does this competitive crap really serve? Not I, not her.. I don't want to be a better person because of her... and I'm sure she couldn't care less about me. Mostly I just get to feel mad and frustrated and mean and direct it toward some woman that I don't even know. Then all my sweetness and light (what there is of it) can be saved for the undeserving male object of my attention. Does he benefit? Not really... he then only sees certain parts of me, or of woman "x"... we actually serve to make ourselves less of whole people in his eyes. Which just opens the door for future disappointment and disillusionment all around. Cuz, guess what? It may come as a shock, but I'm not all sweetness and light.

So, I will embrace this girl (figuratively) as a teacher. She reminded me that I really don't want to buy into that paternalistic bullshit.