I went to the Doctor last week. Again. I've been to lots of Dr's lately. She was giving me test results.. and I lost it. Couldn't stop crying. Tried desperately to keep it together... didn't make eye contact.. tried to act tough. Did the thing with the tissue when you make perfect creases, and try to get the tears before they even come out of your eyes.. without messing up the day's makeup.
She didn't know what to do with me. She was pretty speechless.
Mostly because she was giving me what should have been good news. The (many) test results are back and ... drum roll please.... everything's fine. Unremarkable, nothing abnormal, etc etc.
So I, of course, burst into tears. Not the "thank goodness, I'm so relieved" kind of tears, but the
"ohfuckinggreatImustbecrazyoryouthinki'mcrazywhatthehellisthematterwithme" kind of tears.
I'm exhausted, and my head hurts a lot, and my body feels so heavy, and there's this pain. These pains would be more accurate.
And there's that look. From caring supportive primary care Dr. #20....that "I can't help you so there must be something wrong with you mentally" look.
Dr. Rehab, who I saw today, can't help me either.
Keep doing what you are doing, even though you are not feeling better. Oh, and get this test on your heart. This is today's news. This heart test. It won't affect my pain one way or another, but my aforementioned condition can cause heart problems. Somehow not the reassurance I was hoping for. So, today my $42 copay got me this heartwarming message (pun intended) "You will continue to be in pain, there's nothing more I can do, oh and you may have a heart condition that causes sudden death, but you probably don't".