Thursday, April 10, 2008

The condition my condition is in

I went to the Doctor last week. Again. I've been to lots of Dr's lately. She was giving me test results.. and I lost it. Couldn't stop crying. Tried desperately to keep it together... didn't make eye contact.. tried to act tough. Did the thing with the tissue when you make perfect creases, and try to get the tears before they even come out of your eyes.. without messing up the day's makeup.

She didn't know what to do with me. She was pretty speechless.

Mostly because she was giving me what should have been good news. The (many) test results are back and ... drum roll please.... everything's fine. Unremarkable, nothing abnormal, etc etc.
So I, of course, burst into tears. Not the "thank goodness, I'm so relieved" kind of tears, but the
"ohfuckinggreatImustbecrazyoryouthinki'mcrazywhatthehellisthematterwithme" kind of tears.
I'm exhausted, and my head hurts a lot, and my body feels so heavy, and there's this pain. These pains would be more accurate.

And there's that look. From caring supportive primary care Dr. #20....that "I can't help you so there must be something wrong with you mentally" look.

Dr. Rehab, who I saw today, can't help me either.
Keep doing what you are doing, even though you are not feeling better. Oh, and get this test on your heart. This is today's news. This heart test. It won't affect my pain one way or another, but my aforementioned condition can cause heart problems. Somehow not the reassurance I was hoping for. So, today my $42 copay got me this heartwarming message (pun intended) "You will continue to be in pain, there's nothing more I can do, oh and you may have a heart condition that causes sudden death, but you probably don't".



Lea said...

Ah fuck. That sucks. Really and truly. So, if it were me, this is the point I consult some other sorts of health professionals. First on my list would be Nicole Fenske (holistic nutritionist who has changed the lives of everyone I know who has seen her - and most stories involve health problems mainstream docs dismissed), second Keyena MacKenzie (naturopathic doc), and third Julie Wilke (chiro and energy worker). The should all come up if you google. I can get you info too. Take care, and you'll be in my thoughts!

maggie, dammit said...


Anonymous said...

Oh, baby, this so sucks. I want to fix you so badly, but all I can offer is love. So I'm also on Lea's bandwagon-- start going to the other side, the people that try to deal with it from a whole mind/body point of view. I don't know who UW has, but Nancy Selfridge is the contact point at GHC and she helped Marc get started, though the follow through was up to him. She found her own way out of a twenty year case of fibromyalgia. And Rue Haas is an EFT expert who could also maybe help. You do too much right physically for it to be an ordinary doctor's cure. They only know what they know. try the people who know other kinds of things.
tak care and don't give up and know how much you are loved.

JennBott said...

Thanks for the love. It helps.
I'm in a better place today.

I have an acupuncturist who is also an herbalist.

I am looking into a private yoga instructor.

Thanks for the rest of the ideas. I'm definitely not going to another Dr. anytime soon.

Anonymous said...

Any one can see Nancy Selfridge. She's the head of GHC Wellness Center.I think it will cost you $185.00. She's a "guardian angel"